A quick disclaimer on the contents of this article
September is National Suicide Prevention Month.
This article talks about serious mental health issues and personal stories. Reader discretion is advised.
A deep dive on suicide in athletes and my personal experience
Perfection.
With coffee in hand, I strolled out of our cafeteria into a crisp fall morning.
Rob’s Cafeteria didn’t have much of a reputation for elite cuisine, but I thought the coffee was absolute fire.
Plus, I was on a full football scholarship, so everything was free for me. Who doesn’t love unlimited free food and coffee?
I hustled from Rob’s to the Honors College, where I had a cake-walk colloquium on “Jazz History.”
The teacher treated it like a study hall, which was nice because I didn’t really give a lick about jazz and had a big Qualitative Analysis lab report due that night. I finished typing it up and prayed it wouldn’t be the thing that ruined my near-perfect 3.99 GPA.
Between classes, I walked to the football facility. I hopped in for a contrast bath (switching between the hot tub and the cold tub) and got a hamstring massage from the sports med staff.
Then, I gathered a bunch of our other defensive backs in the film room and we broke down Wisconsin film for that upcoming Saturday.
I had been starting since my sophomore year and was all but guaranteed to be voted the defensive captain my senior year, so it was on my shoulders to make sure we were prepared.
After classes wrapped up that night, I grabbed some Chipotle with my long-time girlfriend (and now wife) and talked about our days. Then I went home, did some mobility and recovery work, then got to sleep to repeat the process the next morning.
I was living my dream: D1 starter playing against a top 10 team, highest GPA in my major, well-liked by my teammates and peers, leader of our FCA bible studies, the best, most loving, supportive, and attractive girlfriend, free college (plus a generous scholarship check each month), and a supportive family.
Life was appeared perfect.
Except, it wasn’t.
What I didn’t mention is the mid-day panic attack I had in my room where I was curled up in a ball in the corner mindlessly repeating “I’m broken” over and over again.
Or how from the moment I woke up in the morning until the moment I went to bed, every free second my brain had was filled with the words “I want to kill myself.”
A story told all too often
My story is my story, but it’s not wholly unique.
I can’t ever speak for anyone else and their experience; and I’m not a psychologist or counselor trying to give advice.
I’m a coach, physical therapist, former-athlete, and a father who cares a ton about the many other athletes I’ve seen face the same dark thoughts as me.
In the spring of 2022 alone, at least 5 college student-athletes committed suicide.
- Katie Meyer (Stanford soccer player).
- Robert Martin (SUNY Binghamton lacrosse player)
- Sarah Shulze (University of Wisconsin runner)
- Lauren Bernett (James Madison softball player)
- Jayden Hill (Northern Michigan track athlete)
They’re not the first, and unfortunately, they won’t be the last.
The facade
What strikes me about so many of these stories is how perfect these kids often seem.
They’re the happy ones. The straight A students. The best player on the team. The All-American overachievers.
I referred to this as my “facade.”
People had this image of me, partially because I intentionally crafted it and partially because it was bestowed upon me when I showed natural aptitude in certain areas. They’d even use the word perfect.
My life was “perfect.” School, sports, relationship, family, faith- I had it all.
The panic attacks and suicidal ideation? No way was I letting anyone see or hear that. Not even those closest to me. Then my facade would be pierced and I couldn’t have that, could I?
I was a master at manipulating the world’s perception of me.
Perhaps the Facade is best encapsulated by the article ESPN wrote, entitled “Split Image: On Instagram, Madison Holleran’s life looked ideal.” Madison was a track athlete at Penn who committed suicide in 2014.
The problem with “perfect” is that it isn’t real. Perfection is impossible.
We are human beings. Flawed human beings. Mistakes and imperfections are part of our essence.
The All-American overachiever chasing perfection is chasing the impossible.
This inevitably leads to let-down. When the world perceives perfection (or we wish them to perceive perfection), there’s now a chasm between who we are and who we think we ought to be.
Prolonged agony
I lived with that pain for over a decade. Truth be told, I became so accustomed to it that I don’t even remember exactly when it started.
I do remember that by my sophomore year of college it was the only thing I could think about.
I never had a plan to take my own life. I never attempted anything. But, suicidal ideation and variations of the phrase “I’m going to kill myself” played in my head like a broken record.
I’ve been hesitant to share this, but if opening up about this can help just one athlete or parent address their own issues quicker, then it’s worth it.
I don’t want any kid to go through that much pain for that long ever again.
It’s taken a lot of work, therapy, and even some medication to get to a place where I can say that I’m truly happy.
That doesn’t mean that I’ve turned my utopian facade into reality and I exist in a state of perpetual mental bliss.
I still battle mental health issues and I likely always will. Except, now I know how to handle them and not let them consume me.
It’s a battle, but it’s now a battle I can win on a daily basis.
Greater Than
The author Richard Bach wrote that “we teach what we most need to learn.”
I hadn’t heard that until recently, but that sentiment was the impetus for the creation of my business (and essentially my life’s work).
GT as an acronym for “Greater Than” (not Guiser Training, as so many of our athletes have assumed).
As in, your worth is greater than how you perform on the field. Your worth is greater than how you stack up in the classroom.
Your identity, your intrinsic value, your reason for being is not tied up in your accomplishments, your sport, your test scores, or your job.
Your kids have it harder than you think. They are constantly being judged and evaluated on everything.
Their teachers are telling them they are only 89% good enough when they get a B+ on an assignment.
Their coaches rip into them for striking out two times in a row.
They wake up earlier than their growing bodies should.
They spend 7 hours trapped in a building working their tails off to learn about things that they don’t necessarily have interest in, but are told by society that if they want to be “enough” then they have to know at least 94% of it.
They spend another couple of hours at practice after school, where they think if they just work hard enough they’ll get that D1 scholarship and then they’ll finally have made it. (Spoiler- you never actually feel like you “made it”. You just move the goalposts and keep chasing the dragon of accomplishment.)
Then for some reason, they have to go home and do more school work?
Just in time to rinse and repeat in the morning.
My aim with GT is to develop relationships with athletes, so that when they do eventually fail and things do inevitably go wrong, then I can be there to let them know that their worth in the world hasn’t changed.
Yes, of course we provide elite sports performance training and physical therapy services. I am obsessed with the craft and couldn’t imagine giving anything less than world class coaching and rehab.
There’s immense value in chasing down a dream; in working your tail off to accomplish a task.
Kids should learn the value of committing to a goal and executing it with elite consistency, intensity, and intent.
But, they should also learn how to handle failure and learn that who they are is not dependent on what they do or how they perform.
Just ask
As a reminder, I’m wholly unqualified to give advice. I’m just some guy who lived through an experience and cares a lot about his athletes.
The biggest suggestion I have, though, is simple.
Ask the question.
Most kids want to talk about it, but they don’t know how to bring it up. That’s a really tough feeling for a kid to navigate, they need direction.
Actually, it’s really hard for anyone of any age to bring up and navigate. As I’m typing this, it’s really hard for me to openly state that I wanted to die.
Maybe they’ll say nothing’s wrong at first and they’ll open up later. Maybe they’ll say nothing’s wrong because there really is nothing wrong. Maybe they’ll open the flood gates and pour out everything immediately. Maybe they’ll be closed off at first and break down when you’re persistent.
The only way to find out is to ask.
This holds true even (perhaps especially) for those who seem to have it all together.
I was hitting every metric of worldly success. There was no reason to suspect anything was wrong. There was no reason to check-in with me. There was no reason to ever ask the question.
And no one ever did.
What to look for
Here’s where I defer to the professionals at the NIH, where they list some possible warning signs of suicide.
Talking about:
- Wanting to die
- Great guilt or shame
- Being a burden to others
Feeling:
- Empty, hopeless, trapped, or having no reason to live
- Extremely sad, more anxious, agitated, or full of rage
- Unbearable emotional or physical pain
Changing behavior, such as:
- Making a plan or researching ways to die
- Withdrawing from friends, saying goodbye, giving away important items, or making a will
- Taking dangerous risks such as driving extremely fast
- Displaying extreme mood swings
- Eating or sleeping more or less
- Using drugs or alcohol more often
If these warning signs apply to you or someone you know, get help as soon as possible, particularly if the behavior is new or has increased recently.
988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline
Call or text 988
Chat at 988lifeline.org
Crisis Text Line
Text “HELLO” to 741741
An extra note on eye contact
I mentioned I was writing this to an athlete I’ve worked with who’s gone through the same struggles and wanted their thoughts.
“The eyes.”
“When I was at my worst, I would avoid eye contact. Especially with my mom.”
An extra, extra note on counseling
All of this may be complete nonsense for you and your athlete.
This is just my experience and how I’ve come to interpret it in the years since. Not all suicidal thoughts are the same.
Not all pathways into disease are the same, nor are the pathways to healing.
Seek professional guidance. Find therapists/counselors as soon as possible.
Don’t delay. There’s no downside to it.
That’s a wrap!
Please share this newsletter with anyone you think might be interested in learning how to help their kid get faster, stronger, healthier and ready for real-word success through long-term athlete development.
It means more than you know!
Be >,
Zach
Dr. Zach Guiser, PT, DPT, CSCS